8/20/13

Modest Predictions

8/20/13
I can't think of a good introduction to this, or even a (more) clever title. But I think you'll like the list. Below are my 15 predictions for the next fifteen years.

  1. 7:00pm Thursday, January 19, 2017: In a gesture of kindness and friendship, President Obama resigns just before president-elect Hillary Clinton's inauguration, making Joe Biden president for one day. 3:46am Friday, January 20, 2017: President Joe Biden formally surrenders to North Korea.


  2. February 10, 2017: A solar flare temporarily shuts down the internet. Environmentalists blame global warming. President Clinton places moratorium on oil drilling across the East Coast.

  3. Near future: A wave of states begin to ban cigarettes and tobacco completely, citing public health concerns. Marijuanna now legal in 41 states, politicians finding it a "personal liberty" issue.


  4. 2016: Facebook issues its first state-approved Driver's License.

  5. 2019: Google crashes and is down for ten minutes. After the chaos, Germany is suddenly found to be occupying Poland.

  6. Image credit: Julia Ioffe

  7.  2024: Vladimir Putin resigns from Russian presidency. Then takes up new office of "Supreme Chancellor."

  8. June 25, 2014: Edward Snowden complains of feral dogs, inept Russian dogcather. June 26, 2014: Edward Snowden is extradited to the United States.

  9. 2015: A white man violently assaults a black man. Al Sharpton is outraged and delivers a rant on MSNBC indicting "white culture." Assailant is revealed to be black man wearing white face-paint. Sharpton contends the issues addressed in his rant are no less important. Media quickly forgets the entire incident.

  10. 2018: Proposition 9 is ruled unconstituional by the California Supreme Court, effectively legalizing polygamous marriages. The Prop 9 campaign was largely funded by the Mormon church.

  11. 2019: A new drug is invented that improves mental and physical performance. Also cures common cold, but has side effect of mild skin irritation. Is immediately banned.


  12. 2021: A government license is now required to own and operate personal computers.

  13. 2015: New FDA-approved 1st-2nd trimester abortion pills now sold at 7-11.

  14. 2016: After a very hot summer and a few blackouts, Congress passes a new 11,042 page comprehensive energy bill... that they did not read. According to a section buried in the bill--which president Obama signed--all congressmen must take a 100% pay cut, and work naked within the Capitol building. An emergency session was soon convened. CSPAN was not invited.


  15. 2027: Aliens begin responding to Earth's first televised broadcasts, specifically Hitler's olympic speech. They say they are big fans.

  16. 2028: An obscure, seemingly harmless 1980s computer virus is spread as a joke... takes out every Apple device. 2028 is the year known as "the year of suicides."

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